Mom

I am the mother of 5.  Our oldest may not be with us physically, yet stands mighty in our house.  My other 4 are 19,16,14 and 13 respectively.  I have to admit that there have been times in my life and household that life has been much harder than it's current atmosphere.  Right now at this moment, our family is ..... how should I put it?  Under control.  That's the best word I have to describe the past week, for it changes moment to moment like a feather shifting in the wind.  No one taught me how to parent as far as I can remember, I didn't take a class or have a rehearsal.  We jumped in with both eyes open and learned as we went.  I suppose it's a little like everyone.  I try to be better than my own parents were with me (okay.. trying for a lot better).
I know now that as hard as it was to live with 5 babies and the demands it took, teenagers are a whole separate entity unto their own.  The best I can do is remember what is was like for me as a teenager, and there is where I get my answers. Why should I expect them to be and think any differently than me?  Obviously they come from me and are raised by the only beliefs I have.  They want to be so grown up and yet they still aren't ready for the lessons adulthood brings.  My oldest the 19 year old wants to be all grown up now that he is in school full time and working a job.  My 16 year old wants to be all grown up because he can drive and should be able to have complete independence.  My 14 year old wants to be all grown up, but knows she has to wait, and my baby of 13 is in puberty.  Oh how hard it is to be me, yet oh how hard it is to be them!  I remember.  Is the grass really greener on the other side?  I don't know.
My soon to be husband, who was my ex-husband and my husband before that and my boyfriend before that of 32 years is with me now, wondering the same questions.  All the children belong to us, from us and with us always.  They are the center of our life. We are the center of theirs, even though they may not know it right now.  That's okay, because when I was a teen my parents were the furthest thing from my mind.  Case in point,,,,,,our children are with us most of the time.  I have successfully succeeded my parents parenting.  I am also excepting the fact that they will all want different things for their futures.  I am willing to respect their choices and love them no matter what.  It's amazing how much they teach me as I try to teach them.  I think I may be learning more than they are at the moment.

Today was a good day.

Forgetfulness

Today I had trouble remembering how to get into my blog to post.


Today I spent half the day in my jammies reading a close confidants blog.


Some days I just sit.


Some days I keep busy.


Some days I cry still.


Somedays I just forget what I'm doing.


Most days I just try not to think.


Most days I smile :)


Most days I will laugh.


These days I can walk again without my legs feeling like they weigh 500 pounds each.


These days I can carry on a conversation with others and not cry.


These days I can lean on my spouse for comfort and healing.


These days I can take a shower, get dressed and put on make-up.


These days I can think about God sometimes and not get hysterical.


Tomorrow I hope for increased healing.


Tomorrow I hope for joy.

My beautiful family!

Tomorrow I hope for peace of mind and soul.


Tomorrow I hope to take another baby step toward ..............................................God.

Another September.

September is always a busy month.  It reminds me of new beginnings much more than new years eve or day.  I've never felt that new beginning feel on January 1st, it's always been September for me.  I suppose because I went from being a student to a teacher to a mother. September was always a month to start again, restock, rethink.  It also holds the anniversary of my Parents wedding, as well as my own.  The one thing I miss about September is the smell of fall developing in the air.  The smell is so faint in south Florida that if you don't pay attention you may miss it all together and I usually do.

This September is familiar and yet very foreign to me.  I am personally starting new beginnings in my relationships with my family and new friends.  I am changing, adapting and accepting my new environment with as much harmony as I can muster.  So many changes throughout my life. I feel as though I have reached the new dimension of the middle aged mind.  So different from years of the past.  I no longer look to others, they look to me.  That is not the job of the weary or the weak.  I feel lucky through the layers of heartache I continue to endure.

It almost feels as though I am reading the latest novel off of the shelf at the local bookstore.  It's a page turner and what comes next you can feel yet the twists and turns keep you locked into the story.  It never ends the way you would have expected if the author is known for their amazing gift.

Life is full of so many surprises and unexpected events both good and bad, heartwarming and heartbreaking.  Today I feel blessed to have all that I've wanted and to continue to bear that I need.

It is September and I can still buy new pencils this month, a small contribution to a life that continues to be.