Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What's the deal with dinner?

I'll start with the dinner hour.  I've been making dinner on and off (mainly on) for more than 20 years now. I have a large family as you all know.  I get hungry for dinner too of course.  I have to be honest here, I am really tired of making dinner.  What's for dinner? Did you make dinner?  Are you going to make dinner?  Do we have any dinner tonight?  I'm hungry, can we eat dinner now.  Should we make our own dinner?  There isn't anything for dinner tonight.

I consider myself a pretty good mom.  I'm not perfect, but I love my kids and that's number 1 in my book of parenting 101.

I am so tired of making dinner.  I am so tired of grocery shopping.  I have made the best dinners anyone could ask for, for my family.  I've made christmas gingerbread houses from scratch, and my own decorated cakes for each and everyone of my children for their birthdays.  I've made pasta that were born in sicily and my own creations that I could sell to only the best of restaurants.  Okay I've made my point.  You hear me, I am now getting repetitive.

I don't want to make dinners, I don't like to make dinners, I am tired of making dinners and truth be known I am getting resentful of making dinners.

When their is a death in the family, dinners are cooked, delivered and frozen for the family.  When there is Cancer in the family the same is true.  When there is sickness, despair, hopelessness or accidents, somehow dinners don't seem to be a problem.

My question today is dinner.  I love to sit around the table and enjoy my family at the table like the Walton's, but grandma Walton is dead as far as I know. The price of the large dinner, the shopping, the preparation, the clean up and the desire is leaving me.

I used to enjoy the jar of baby food pea's, and even thought it was funny when they spit it right back out into my face.  Dogs have always been a great cleaner of dropped crumbs, I learned that long ago.  I always keep a dog for such matters.

God bless those mother's and father's that can remain constant after years and years of dinner's.  I want a new assignment.  I wonder how soon there will be a dinner button to push.  Isn't that called delivery service? Hmmmmmm.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Peace be with me.

I am tired all the time now.  My 3rd son has had medical problems for over a month now, and we still have a very long way to go.  He has been in 4 ICU's over the past month including September and October.  I want to scream, run, cry, and isolate.  I still have 3 other children that need me, a spouse and 2 elderly parents.  I have woken up to night terrors the past week at approximately 4:30 am for the past week, only to realize my fears are a reality.
I am a happy person, a love lifer, a giver, a spontanious nut.  Where has she gone?  Why has my life changed so in the past 3 years?  Tis maybe the season of my true strength as a human walking like so many others.  
In times of great struggle which I have had the past few years, I miss hearing myself laugh, running off to whatever suits my fancy on a Sunday afternoon, enjoying a good book.  I have had glimpses of those times the past few years, but doesn't seem as though there are enough to sustain my sanity.  
When I think back of the glory days of being a mom with 5 little toddlers stepping on my feet and banging on pots and pans, I smile.  Maybe I was overwhelmed then.  When I think of those days I smile and remember them as my dream come true, and it was.  Not to say it wasn't difficult, but they were alive, healthy and beautiful..... all of them.   I still have 4 beautiful children, they are growing up too fast.  
I am also learning of mothers that must live day to day with handicapped children of their own or worse like those on life support.  God bless those mothers.  God bless each and every one of them.  
My life has had so many many twists and turns in the road.  I have experienced so much and still I am learning so much more.  It's as if I am seeing new lifestyles of different people and families through a different pair of glasses each year that I live.  Most people I know haven't experienced half of what I have seen in this life.  Maybe this means lucky me, or maybe my journey is just going to be a lucky one in the end.  I will maybe somehow cherish my diverse life and treasure each and every joyous memory to the deepest of the deepest sadness. I will be privilaged to have worn and looked through so many pairs of glasses.  Let's hope this may be my blessed way.

Friday, September 10, 2010


I am the mother of 5.  Our oldest may not be with us physically, yet stands mighty in our house.  My other 4 are 19,16,14 and 13 respectively.  I have to admit that there have been times in my life and household that life has been much harder than it's current atmosphere.  Right now at this moment, our family is ..... how should I put it?  Under control.  That's the best word I have to describe the past week, for it changes moment to moment like a feather shifting in the wind.  No one taught me how to parent as far as I can remember, I didn't take a class or have a rehearsal.  We jumped in with both eyes open and learned as we went.  I suppose it's a little like everyone.  I try to be better than my own parents were with me (okay.. trying for a lot better).
I know now that as hard as it was to live with 5 babies and the demands it took, teenagers are a whole separate entity unto their own.  The best I can do is remember what is was like for me as a teenager, and there is where I get my answers. Why should I expect them to be and think any differently than me?  Obviously they come from me and are raised by the only beliefs I have.  They want to be so grown up and yet they still aren't ready for the lessons adulthood brings.  My oldest the 19 year old wants to be all grown up now that he is in school full time and working a job.  My 16 year old wants to be all grown up because he can drive and should be able to have complete independence.  My 14 year old wants to be all grown up, but knows she has to wait, and my baby of 13 is in puberty.  Oh how hard it is to be me, yet oh how hard it is to be them!  I remember.  Is the grass really greener on the other side?  I don't know.
My soon to be husband, who was my ex-husband and my husband before that and my boyfriend before that of 32 years is with me now, wondering the same questions.  All the children belong to us, from us and with us always.  They are the center of our life. We are the center of theirs, even though they may not know it right now.  That's okay, because when I was a teen my parents were the furthest thing from my mind.  Case in point,,,,,,our children are with us most of the time.  I have successfully succeeded my parents parenting.  I am also excepting the fact that they will all want different things for their futures.  I am willing to respect their choices and love them no matter what.  It's amazing how much they teach me as I try to teach them.  I think I may be learning more than they are at the moment.
Today was a good day.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Today I had trouble remembering how to get into my blog to post.

Today I spent half the day in my jammies reading a close confidants blog.

Some days I just sit.

Some days I keep busy.

Some days I cry still.

Somedays I just forget what I'm doing.

Most days I just try not to think.

Most days I smile :)

Most days I will laugh.

These days I can walk again without my legs feeling like they weigh 500 pounds each.

These days I can carry on a conversation with others and not cry.

These days I can lean on my spouse for comfort and healing.

These days I can take a shower, get dressed and put on make-up.

These days I can think about God sometimes and not get hysterical.

Tomorrow I hope for increased healing.

Tomorrow I hope for joy.

My beautiful family!
Tomorrow I hope for peace of mind and soul.

Tomorrow I hope to take another baby step toward ..............................................God.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Another September.

September is always a busy month.  It reminds me of new beginnings much more than new years eve or day.  I've never felt that new beginning feel on January 1st, it's always been September for me.  I suppose because I went from being a student to a teacher to a mother. September was always a month to start again, restock, rethink.  It also holds the anniversary of my Parents wedding, as well as my own.  The one thing I miss about September is the smell of fall developing in the air.  The smell is so faint in south Florida that if you don't pay attention you may miss it all together and I usually do.

This September is familiar and yet very foreign to me.  I am personally starting new beginnings in my relationships with my family and new friends.  I am changing, adapting and accepting my new environment with as much harmony as I can muster.  So many changes throughout my life. I feel as though I have reached the new dimension of the middle aged mind.  So different from years of the past.  I no longer look to others, they look to me.  That is not the job of the weary or the weak.  I feel lucky through the layers of heartache I continue to endure.

It almost feels as though I am reading the latest novel off of the shelf at the local bookstore.  It's a page turner and what comes next you can feel yet the twists and turns keep you locked into the story.  It never ends the way you would have expected if the author is known for their amazing gift.

Life is full of so many surprises and unexpected events both good and bad, heartwarming and heartbreaking.  Today I feel blessed to have all that I've wanted and to continue to bear that I need.

It is September and I can still buy new pencils this month, a small contribution to a life that continues to be.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

for my Nic.

I knew you were special
before you were born.

I waited and waited 
for the day you arrived.

I struggled and struggled
for hours on end.

Though it didn't matter
we made it through to the end.

Oh bitter lights and sounds and cold.
You were a true vision to behold.

The months ahead where filled with 
singing and kisses, gurgles and coos.

I remember staring out that window
with you in my arms rocking away
as I searched the night time stars.

What to dress you in was my only concern
matching your clothes to your beautiful blue eyes.

You were so smart and so cute
they stopped me to tell me 
wherever we went.
You told them your name was Nicholas then.

Disney movies were at the top of your list
as well as books and talking and anything sweet.

I was so proud to have a toddler like you.
You defiantly made my life complete.

You made a great big brother to all of your clan
four others followed and became your band.

Of course you started school early because of your size
Your " know how" and power where no disguise.

Then you found music from out of the blue,
and picked up a cello always starting on cue.

Your dad started to coach you with rhythm and blues
but you had your own style, you had your own mood.

We have pictures and pictures, since you were the first.
We have so many memories in frames and in books.

Its hard to keep track of your styles and trends
there were so many that it just didn't end.

When we decided to move way down on the coast
you didn't want to go, maybe you knew something then.

It was not a great plan now looking back
but we did what we did and you took a new stand.

You found a way to numb some of your pain 
or maybe you just didn't want to feel the new 
florida rain.

It got tough here for you, a fight you fought hard.

We blame ourselves for your hard journey it seems
we could have done something different it now seems.

Maybe we didn't predict such a plan
but we tried to keep telling you to be a different man.

The drugs were a problem and kept you from running
locked up, disappointed, struggling for free.

Freedom began to be at the top of your list
you wrote this and wrote this in verse after verse.

Your guitar was your savior and the music you played.
I knew someday you were gonna be big like some rock star you played.

You grew up way too fast
too fast for your own good.

The oldest the smartest yet struggles you had
tangled your mind then divorce you still had.

I'm sorry for failing if that's what I did
the last thing I wanted was you to be sad.

You pulled up your boot straps and finished in school
You found a great job and smiled and laughed.

It was so good to see my Nic back.

I was so proud I thought the worst was over
you were becoming a man and that was my dream.

You became my confidant, my friend, my inspiration.
You gave me hope that our future had only begun.

That day that you told me you found a place of your own
you asked for my blessing in the rocker outside.

You were now rocking and you were my guide.

I let you go, knowing you were in God's hands,
after all you had a job, a life and becoming a man.

I cried that day as I watched you move out
I sat on the steps and wept like a mother.

My boy was growing up and although not wrong
it still hurt to see you now so brave and so strong.

I saw you days later at work with a smile
You gave me some coffee and yelled as I left, 
"Hey mom I love you and I'll see you in Key West".

That was the last time I heard your sweet voice
but hearing I love you what more could I want.

You were gone a week later 
my first special boy.

You the one that started my first greatest spark.

It just wasn't real that you really were gone
I still wait for your voice, your music, your song.

You still weren't 18 nor could you vote
You were only 17 and not ready for this.

Although you fell asleep and went in your dreams
that makes me so grateful as crazy as that seems,

My life has changed now as it did when you were born
I knew you were special from that moment on.

Your bothers and sister keep me smiling it seems
I see you in their eyes, everyday in my dreams.

I miss you so much the pain gets so deep.
No mother should have to live with this loss.
It's too much to bear like dragging the cross.

I am no martyr, no saint, no one.
I am your mother and you are my son.

I carry you with me wherever I go
I know now from others, it doesn't change much.

Your with me forever and never enough.

I'll end with just saying that maybe you'll hear
my longing and joy and pride "you were here".


The new me, isn't the old me.

I've changed they said.  So I did some research, joined some new groups and, I think they are right.  I didn't want to change, but my life around me changed.  I have to adapt to a new surrounding that is uncomfortable and uneasy.  I live with and a sadness that is my forever reality in this world.  It's been over 2 years now that my Nic went away, and the distance makes the pain deeper.  It's as if I'm digging a hole deeper into the earth and further away from my baby.  "They" don't know my reality.  The parents who live like me "know" my reality and share in my pain.  I didn't want to be like them, I refused.  Yet here I am, with no choice.  I don't have the same choices as they do.  I'm angry and bewildered today, searching for someone that I can no longer see or touch.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Just a journey

The house is almost empty this weekend.  Just me, my son, the 2 dogs and the illusive cat.  Everyone else has left on various weekend trips or activities.  It's very quiet.  I may have found a new group of people I can relate too, from a compassionate friends meeting I attended the other night.  It's a very strange feeling starting a new life within the same surroundings and same memories of my prior life.  It also feels strange blogging.  I never would have thought I would blog.  Sending messages out into the world of others I do not even know.  I never would have thought a lot of things these days that are happening in my life, so I suppose blogging is no surprise either.  An old friend made a statement to me the other day about me, that until I land I need to keep searching.  I'm thinking.... do we ever "land".  Life changes too much at least for me, maybe it's just the way I now look at things.  Okay too deep for the bloggosphere?  It makes perfect sense to me.

Monday, August 2, 2010

first time for everything.

So, now I am blogging.  I don't get the question you have to answer to set up this blog, but maybe it has some relavence to how I need to be.  The question was " How do you pronounce the "g" in bologna?  I answered "silent".  Maybe that's a sign for me.  As always I'm always looking for signs, but certainly not anything like I used to look for signs.  So "silent" is going to be something I think I need to ponder for a while.  I am anything but silent.  Maybe this is my "new" way of getting "silent".  Blogging.