Sunday, August 8, 2010

for my Nic.

I knew you were special
before you were born.

I waited and waited 
for the day you arrived.

I struggled and struggled
for hours on end.

Though it didn't matter
we made it through to the end.

Oh bitter lights and sounds and cold.
You were a true vision to behold.

The months ahead where filled with 
singing and kisses, gurgles and coos.

I remember staring out that window
with you in my arms rocking away
as I searched the night time stars.

What to dress you in was my only concern
matching your clothes to your beautiful blue eyes.

You were so smart and so cute
they stopped me to tell me 
wherever we went.
You told them your name was Nicholas then.

Disney movies were at the top of your list
as well as books and talking and anything sweet.

I was so proud to have a toddler like you.
You defiantly made my life complete.

You made a great big brother to all of your clan
four others followed and became your band.

Of course you started school early because of your size
Your " know how" and power where no disguise.

Then you found music from out of the blue,
and picked up a cello always starting on cue.

Your dad started to coach you with rhythm and blues
but you had your own style, you had your own mood.

We have pictures and pictures, since you were the first.
We have so many memories in frames and in books.

Its hard to keep track of your styles and trends
there were so many that it just didn't end.

When we decided to move way down on the coast
you didn't want to go, maybe you knew something then.

It was not a great plan now looking back
but we did what we did and you took a new stand.

You found a way to numb some of your pain 
or maybe you just didn't want to feel the new 
florida rain.

It got tough here for you, a fight you fought hard.

We blame ourselves for your hard journey it seems
we could have done something different it now seems.

Maybe we didn't predict such a plan
but we tried to keep telling you to be a different man.

The drugs were a problem and kept you from running
locked up, disappointed, struggling for free.

Freedom began to be at the top of your list
you wrote this and wrote this in verse after verse.

Your guitar was your savior and the music you played.
I knew someday you were gonna be big like some rock star you played.

You grew up way too fast
too fast for your own good.

The oldest the smartest yet struggles you had
tangled your mind then divorce you still had.

I'm sorry for failing if that's what I did
the last thing I wanted was you to be sad.

You pulled up your boot straps and finished in school
You found a great job and smiled and laughed.

It was so good to see my Nic back.

I was so proud I thought the worst was over
you were becoming a man and that was my dream.

You became my confidant, my friend, my inspiration.
You gave me hope that our future had only begun.

That day that you told me you found a place of your own
you asked for my blessing in the rocker outside.

You were now rocking and you were my guide.

I let you go, knowing you were in God's hands,
after all you had a job, a life and becoming a man.

I cried that day as I watched you move out
I sat on the steps and wept like a mother.

My boy was growing up and although not wrong
it still hurt to see you now so brave and so strong.

I saw you days later at work with a smile
You gave me some coffee and yelled as I left, 
"Hey mom I love you and I'll see you in Key West".

That was the last time I heard your sweet voice
but hearing I love you what more could I want.

You were gone a week later 
my first special boy.

You the one that started my first greatest spark.

It just wasn't real that you really were gone
I still wait for your voice, your music, your song.

You still weren't 18 nor could you vote
You were only 17 and not ready for this.

Although you fell asleep and went in your dreams
that makes me so grateful as crazy as that seems,

My life has changed now as it did when you were born
I knew you were special from that moment on.

Your bothers and sister keep me smiling it seems
I see you in their eyes, everyday in my dreams.

I miss you so much the pain gets so deep.
No mother should have to live with this loss.
It's too much to bear like dragging the cross.

I am no martyr, no saint, no one.
I am your mother and you are my son.

I carry you with me wherever I go
I know now from others, it doesn't change much.

Your with me forever and never enough.

I'll end with just saying that maybe you'll hear
my longing and joy and pride "you were here".


The new me, isn't the old me.

I've changed they said.  So I did some research, joined some new groups and, I think they are right.  I didn't want to change, but my life around me changed.  I have to adapt to a new surrounding that is uncomfortable and uneasy.  I live with and a sadness that is my forever reality in this world.  It's been over 2 years now that my Nic went away, and the distance makes the pain deeper.  It's as if I'm digging a hole deeper into the earth and further away from my baby.  "They" don't know my reality.  The parents who live like me "know" my reality and share in my pain.  I didn't want to be like them, I refused.  Yet here I am, with no choice.  I don't have the same choices as they do.  I'm angry and bewildered today, searching for someone that I can no longer see or touch.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Just a journey

The house is almost empty this weekend.  Just me, my son, the 2 dogs and the illusive cat.  Everyone else has left on various weekend trips or activities.  It's very quiet.  I may have found a new group of people I can relate too, from a compassionate friends meeting I attended the other night.  It's a very strange feeling starting a new life within the same surroundings and same memories of my prior life.  It also feels strange blogging.  I never would have thought I would blog.  Sending messages out into the world of others I do not even know.  I never would have thought a lot of things these days that are happening in my life, so I suppose blogging is no surprise either.  An old friend made a statement to me the other day about me, that until I land I need to keep searching.  I'm thinking.... do we ever "land".  Life changes too much at least for me, maybe it's just the way I now look at things.  Okay too deep for the bloggosphere?  It makes perfect sense to me.

Monday, August 2, 2010

first time for everything.

So, now I am blogging.  I don't get the question you have to answer to set up this blog, but maybe it has some relavence to how I need to be.  The question was " How do you pronounce the "g" in bologna?  I answered "silent".  Maybe that's a sign for me.  As always I'm always looking for signs, but certainly not anything like I used to look for signs.  So "silent" is going to be something I think I need to ponder for a while.  I am anything but silent.  Maybe this is my "new" way of getting "silent".  Blogging.