What's the deal with dinner?

I'll start with the dinner hour.  I've been making dinner on and off (mainly on) for more than 20 years now. I have a large family as you all know.  I get hungry for dinner too of course.  I have to be honest here, I am really tired of making dinner.  What's for dinner? Did you make dinner?  Are you going to make dinner?  Do we have any dinner tonight?  I'm hungry, can we eat dinner now.  Should we make our own dinner?  There isn't anything for dinner tonight.

I consider myself a pretty good mom.  I'm not perfect, but I love my kids and that's number 1 in my book of parenting 101.

I am so tired of making dinner.  I am so tired of grocery shopping.  I have made the best dinners anyone could ask for, for my family.  I've made christmas gingerbread houses from scratch, and my own decorated cakes for each and everyone of my children for their birthdays.  I've made pasta that were born in sicily and my own creations that I could sell to only the best of restaurants.  Okay I've made my point.  You hear me, I am now getting repetitive.

I don't want to make dinners, I don't like to make dinners, I am tired of making dinners and truth be known I am getting resentful of making dinners.

When their is a death in the family, dinners are cooked, delivered and frozen for the family.  When there is Cancer in the family the same is true.  When there is sickness, despair, hopelessness or accidents, somehow dinners don't seem to be a problem.

My question today is dinner.  I love to sit around the table and enjoy my family at the table like the Walton's, but grandma Walton is dead as far as I know. The price of the large dinner, the shopping, the preparation, the clean up and the desire is leaving me.

I used to enjoy the jar of baby food pea's, and even thought it was funny when they spit it right back out into my face.  Dogs have always been a great cleaner of dropped crumbs, I learned that long ago.  I always keep a dog for such matters.

God bless those mother's and father's that can remain constant after years and years of dinner's.  I want a new assignment.  I wonder how soon there will be a dinner button to push.  Isn't that called delivery service? Hmmmmmm.

Peace be with me.

I am tired all the time now.  My 3rd son has had medical problems for over a month now, and we still have a very long way to go.  He has been in 4 ICU's over the past month including September and October.  I want to scream, run, cry, and isolate.  I still have 3 other children that need me, a spouse and 2 elderly parents.  I have woken up to night terrors the past week at approximately 4:30 am for the past week, only to realize my fears are a reality.

I am a happy person, a love lifer, a giver, a spontanious nut.  Where has she gone?  Why has my life changed so in the past 3 years?  Tis maybe the season of my true strength as a human walking like so many others.  

In times of great struggle which I have had the past few years, I miss hearing myself laugh, running off to whatever suits my fancy on a Sunday afternoon, enjoying a good book.  I have had glimpses of those times the past few years, but doesn't seem as though there are enough to sustain my sanity.  

When I think back of the glory days of being a mom with 5 little toddlers stepping on my feet and banging on pots and pans, I smile.  Maybe I was overwhelmed then.  When I think of those days I smile and remember them as my dream come true, and it was.  Not to say it wasn't difficult, but they were alive, healthy and beautiful..... all of them.   I still have 4 beautiful children, they are growing up too fast.  

I am also learning of mothers that must live day to day with handicapped children of their own or worse like those on life support.  God bless those mothers.  God bless each and every one of them.  

My life has had so many many twists and turns in the road.  I have experienced so much and still I am learning so much more.  It's as if I am seeing new lifestyles of different people and families through a different pair of glasses each year that I live.  Most people I know haven't experienced half of what I have seen in this life.  Maybe this means lucky me, or maybe my journey is just going to be a lucky one in the end.  I will maybe somehow cherish my diverse life and treasure each and every joyous memory to the deepest of the deepest sadness. I will be privilaged to have worn and looked through so many pairs of glasses.  Let's hope this may be my blessed way.