Here's my new little man.

My favorite pics so far.........

    

Bucket list

God seems wonderful and terrifying at the same time.  That's how I feel about my own children.

Mother's day was the birth of my first grand baby and he is a perfect little angel.  All I know is that in the end of my second year of sorrow, my Jackson Nicholas Kelce was born.  The timing couldn't have been more perfect, for mother's day has become one of those days I would rather hide under the covers.

I love my children, they are the most favorite loves of my life, but to lose your oldest puts the universe out of whack in my tiny little world.

I am feeling better at least changing for the better, and my brand new little blessing is making the hole in my heart not feel so HUGE.

I feel much more complete, satisfied and grateful.  I still have a bucket list, but mostly I'd like to stick around to see the rest of my family grow up and be happy, well and free to live their lives as they see fit.

That's really all that's left, I now have more strength to stay and see that happen.

I'm not sure if Nic had a hand in my mother's day gift or not, but I sure do appreciate  that special day.

What's the deal with dinner?

I'll start with the dinner hour.  I've been making dinner on and off (mainly on) for more than 20 years now. I have a large family as you all know.  I get hungry for dinner too of course.  I have to be honest here, I am really tired of making dinner.  What's for dinner? Did you make dinner?  Are you going to make dinner?  Do we have any dinner tonight?  I'm hungry, can we eat dinner now.  Should we make our own dinner?  There isn't anything for dinner tonight.

I consider myself a pretty good mom.  I'm not perfect, but I love my kids and that's number 1 in my book of parenting 101.

I am so tired of making dinner.  I am so tired of grocery shopping.  I have made the best dinners anyone could ask for, for my family.  I've made christmas gingerbread houses from scratch, and my own decorated cakes for each and everyone of my children for their birthdays.  I've made pasta that were born in sicily and my own creations that I could sell to only the best of restaurants.  Okay I've made my point.  You hear me, I am now getting repetitive.

I don't want to make dinners, I don't like to make dinners, I am tired of making dinners and truth be known I am getting resentful of making dinners.

When their is a death in the family, dinners are cooked, delivered and frozen for the family.  When there is Cancer in the family the same is true.  When there is sickness, despair, hopelessness or accidents, somehow dinners don't seem to be a problem.

My question today is dinner.  I love to sit around the table and enjoy my family at the table like the Walton's, but grandma Walton is dead as far as I know. The price of the large dinner, the shopping, the preparation, the clean up and the desire is leaving me.

I used to enjoy the jar of baby food pea's, and even thought it was funny when they spit it right back out into my face.  Dogs have always been a great cleaner of dropped crumbs, I learned that long ago.  I always keep a dog for such matters.

God bless those mother's and father's that can remain constant after years and years of dinner's.  I want a new assignment.  I wonder how soon there will be a dinner button to push.  Isn't that called delivery service? Hmmmmmm.

Peace be with me.

I am tired all the time now.  My 3rd son has had medical problems for over a month now, and we still have a very long way to go.  He has been in 4 ICU's over the past month including September and October.  I want to scream, run, cry, and isolate.  I still have 3 other children that need me, a spouse and 2 elderly parents.  I have woken up to night terrors the past week at approximately 4:30 am for the past week, only to realize my fears are a reality.

I am a happy person, a love lifer, a giver, a spontanious nut.  Where has she gone?  Why has my life changed so in the past 3 years?  Tis maybe the season of my true strength as a human walking like so many others.  

In times of great struggle which I have had the past few years, I miss hearing myself laugh, running off to whatever suits my fancy on a Sunday afternoon, enjoying a good book.  I have had glimpses of those times the past few years, but doesn't seem as though there are enough to sustain my sanity.  

When I think back of the glory days of being a mom with 5 little toddlers stepping on my feet and banging on pots and pans, I smile.  Maybe I was overwhelmed then.  When I think of those days I smile and remember them as my dream come true, and it was.  Not to say it wasn't difficult, but they were alive, healthy and beautiful..... all of them.   I still have 4 beautiful children, they are growing up too fast.  

I am also learning of mothers that must live day to day with handicapped children of their own or worse like those on life support.  God bless those mothers.  God bless each and every one of them.  

My life has had so many many twists and turns in the road.  I have experienced so much and still I am learning so much more.  It's as if I am seeing new lifestyles of different people and families through a different pair of glasses each year that I live.  Most people I know haven't experienced half of what I have seen in this life.  Maybe this means lucky me, or maybe my journey is just going to be a lucky one in the end.  I will maybe somehow cherish my diverse life and treasure each and every joyous memory to the deepest of the deepest sadness. I will be privilaged to have worn and looked through so many pairs of glasses.  Let's hope this may be my blessed way.

Mom

I am the mother of 5.  Our oldest may not be with us physically, yet stands mighty in our house.  My other 4 are 19,16,14 and 13 respectively.  I have to admit that there have been times in my life and household that life has been much harder than it's current atmosphere.  Right now at this moment, our family is ..... how should I put it?  Under control.  That's the best word I have to describe the past week, for it changes moment to moment like a feather shifting in the wind.  No one taught me how to parent as far as I can remember, I didn't take a class or have a rehearsal.  We jumped in with both eyes open and learned as we went.  I suppose it's a little like everyone.  I try to be better than my own parents were with me (okay.. trying for a lot better).
I know now that as hard as it was to live with 5 babies and the demands it took, teenagers are a whole separate entity unto their own.  The best I can do is remember what is was like for me as a teenager, and there is where I get my answers. Why should I expect them to be and think any differently than me?  Obviously they come from me and are raised by the only beliefs I have.  They want to be so grown up and yet they still aren't ready for the lessons adulthood brings.  My oldest the 19 year old wants to be all grown up now that he is in school full time and working a job.  My 16 year old wants to be all grown up because he can drive and should be able to have complete independence.  My 14 year old wants to be all grown up, but knows she has to wait, and my baby of 13 is in puberty.  Oh how hard it is to be me, yet oh how hard it is to be them!  I remember.  Is the grass really greener on the other side?  I don't know.
My soon to be husband, who was my ex-husband and my husband before that and my boyfriend before that of 32 years is with me now, wondering the same questions.  All the children belong to us, from us and with us always.  They are the center of our life. We are the center of theirs, even though they may not know it right now.  That's okay, because when I was a teen my parents were the furthest thing from my mind.  Case in point,,,,,,our children are with us most of the time.  I have successfully succeeded my parents parenting.  I am also excepting the fact that they will all want different things for their futures.  I am willing to respect their choices and love them no matter what.  It's amazing how much they teach me as I try to teach them.  I think I may be learning more than they are at the moment.

Today was a good day.

Forgetfulness

Today I had trouble remembering how to get into my blog to post.


Today I spent half the day in my jammies reading a close confidants blog.


Some days I just sit.


Some days I keep busy.


Some days I cry still.


Somedays I just forget what I'm doing.


Most days I just try not to think.


Most days I smile :)


Most days I will laugh.


These days I can walk again without my legs feeling like they weigh 500 pounds each.


These days I can carry on a conversation with others and not cry.


These days I can lean on my spouse for comfort and healing.


These days I can take a shower, get dressed and put on make-up.


These days I can think about God sometimes and not get hysterical.


Tomorrow I hope for increased healing.


Tomorrow I hope for joy.

My beautiful family!

Tomorrow I hope for peace of mind and soul.


Tomorrow I hope to take another baby step toward ..............................................God.

Another September.

September is always a busy month.  It reminds me of new beginnings much more than new years eve or day.  I've never felt that new beginning feel on January 1st, it's always been September for me.  I suppose because I went from being a student to a teacher to a mother. September was always a month to start again, restock, rethink.  It also holds the anniversary of my Parents wedding, as well as my own.  The one thing I miss about September is the smell of fall developing in the air.  The smell is so faint in south Florida that if you don't pay attention you may miss it all together and I usually do.

This September is familiar and yet very foreign to me.  I am personally starting new beginnings in my relationships with my family and new friends.  I am changing, adapting and accepting my new environment with as much harmony as I can muster.  So many changes throughout my life. I feel as though I have reached the new dimension of the middle aged mind.  So different from years of the past.  I no longer look to others, they look to me.  That is not the job of the weary or the weak.  I feel lucky through the layers of heartache I continue to endure.

It almost feels as though I am reading the latest novel off of the shelf at the local bookstore.  It's a page turner and what comes next you can feel yet the twists and turns keep you locked into the story.  It never ends the way you would have expected if the author is known for their amazing gift.

Life is full of so many surprises and unexpected events both good and bad, heartwarming and heartbreaking.  Today I feel blessed to have all that I've wanted and to continue to bear that I need.

It is September and I can still buy new pencils this month, a small contribution to a life that continues to be.